he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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