I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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