I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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