"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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