...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
