Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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