I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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