I think my fart just growled at me.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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