I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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