So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
