You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I accidentally burped into my bong.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
now i know why i became what i already was.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
