I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
