Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
