Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
