i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
