In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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