u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
