when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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