I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
