I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
