I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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