I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
