Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
