I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
