he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
