i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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