I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
