I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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