Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
