I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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