Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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