I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
