In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
