i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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