please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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