I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
