yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
