Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
