He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
