Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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