Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
