Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
