im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
