he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
