Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
