I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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