Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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