Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
