What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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