A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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