I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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